Thankful Thursdays #11 My story [part 1]

Happy Thankful Thursday!

This morning I'm sharing my story with you, part of it.  Like I said, I have felt convicted to share for some time, and am finally ready.  I don't know what all God has in mind for this post, but my desire is to reveal God's power, grace, love, and the transformation He makes when one surrenders to Him.

Bare with me as I try to voice my feelings and thoughts........

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My real name is Amelia Marie Yoder, now Showalter.  I am 24 years old and have a fear of aging. I know, i need to get over it.  I am the middle child, and only girl of three children.  I was born in Goshen, Indiana, and lived there until I was 5.  I was welcomed into the world by my wonderful parents, N & M.  They are a continual inspiration and living testimony to me.  My Dad is a pastor/professor/ historian/author {aka: genius} and Mama's a registered nurse.  {Mom and I used to joke that the boys in our family got the brains, us girls got skipped!}  We moved to Virginia when Dad took a job at Eastern Mennonite Seminary and pastor position at Dayton Mennonite Church, the church my little familia attends.  

Growing up I was a through and through tomboy... always outdoors, riding bikes, building forts, and pretending.  I have great, fun childhood memories of life in Indiana especially, but growing up here too.
A favorite memory is when Dad was working on his Doctorate at Notre Dame, he would take us kids to the archives with him.  While he would study, we would play underneath the tables in our "fort", but we had to be quiet. 

Jumping forward.  It was time to start school and I attended public school. I struggled academically from the get-go. School just wasn't my thing!  [except for art and lunch! HA!]   After failing test, after test, and barely passing each grade, I was finally tested for a learning disability.  What do ya know!? They diagnosed me with short-term memory deficit. Which made complete sense since I had always had a serious problem with recollection.  I was put into a resource class, which would continue the rest of my school experience.  

I have to dig deep for this part. it's messy.
There was something else i struggled with from an early age...  You know how you have show-and-tell in school?  Well, who would have thought it could become a bad thing?  In the first grade, I remember feeling a need to compete for the best story to share, since i usually didn't have anything "good enough" to show. The other kids had such cool toys and stories. I felt inferior and envious.     I'll never forget my story about a trip to "Skate Town".  I had spend a saturday there, but that just wasn't going to cut it.  So I added the "I was the champion!" [in my mind i was] part, and the part about winning a 6 foot trophy. I distinctly remember Mrs.B asking me to bring the trophy in for everyone to see the next week. I replied,  "Oh. well... my.... my brother broke it!"

Sure, kids like to tell stories and most have an imagination that's sky-high. But the scary part is that i actually believed the things I was saying.    The next week I got called to the guidance counselors office.  I remember it like it was yesterday, Mrs. G and I sat on her couch and she read me a book... "The Bernstein Bears and the Truth."  I had known that lieing was bad, but all of a sudden i realized that what i had been doing/saying was wrong.  It's not okay to voice your imagination, or what you wish would have happened, as the truth.   I still struggled with "the truth", but i fought the urge to tall-tale the best i could.  All until......       

I made it through elementary school. Summer came and went, and it was time for 6th grade!  I was excited to move 'up' to the middle school. A new facility, new people, and competing sport teams.    Little did I know.........

No one told me there were different 'groups'  [cliques]  in middle school?   What happened to being just a kid.... and equal?    I'll never forget.  There was a pack group of girls,  all who were pretty, and cheerleaders. [go figure.]  They wore the coolest clothes and always had perfect hair and makeup.  I noticed the attention they got, and there was something about it that made me envious. Envious, just like show-and-tell days back in elementary school.  I soon found myself wanting to dress like them and look like them.  ..............And so it started; the sneaking, hiding clothes, drama, and self-destruction!

Along with my changing looks, my attitude and name changed too.  I no longer wanted to be teased by "Amelia Bedelia".  I wanted a cool name. I ditched "Amelia" and asked to be called "Amy" instead. {my initials}  Sadly,  that's not all I ditched.. I disregarded  my real [childhood] friends.  Life became all about "Amy".  I no longer respected my parents, family, church, or God!   I had previously gotten baptized and joined church, but at this point I couldn't have cared less about the commitment I had made to God or church

I will never forget being told by a new "friend" [one of the popular girls] that there was a boy, "R" who liked me.  That was all it took for me to enter a "boy'frenzy'.   I thrived on attention, and did whatever it took to get it.

   

Timeout! I want to clarify.... Often when i hear of girls seeking attention from boys, I can't help but wonder if they are not receiving healthy affection and love from their father.  My Dad was [and is] nurturing, loving and {healthily} affectionate to me!  It was not that I wasn't receiving that from him. 

All through middle school i "went out" with boys, a term that meant "dating."  We used to joke, "a new week, a new flavor," referring to a new boyfriend.   I was caught in a lifestyle of destruction; lying and sneaking, materialism, stealing [yes, several times], pride, and the list goes on.  I tried my best to cover up and hide the double life i was living.  I attended church, looked "right", and for the most part, did the right things.  But my heart was not right.  All of this continued into my eighth grade year, when...........

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I am going to stop there.  It's hard to reflect on the past, but I praise God for where I've come and the work He has done/ doing in my life. my heart.  This morning I am overwhelmed with gratitude for God's forgiveness and grace........ Next Thursday I plan to post [part 2]. 

The Thankful Thursday link-up is open. 

Please link-back to me in your post so others
know where to come to join in!

*WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR TODAY??

be blessed.